when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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