Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
