for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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