Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
