I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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