umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize