well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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