well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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