Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
