Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
