Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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