I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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