My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
