The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
