we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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