forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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