Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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