I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Houston, we have a squirter
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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