Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
