Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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