textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
