took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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