He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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