Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
