I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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