Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
