Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
