I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize