There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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