first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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