I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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