# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
