where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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