gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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