Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
