The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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