laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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