3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize