genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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