I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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