I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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