No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
