Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
