we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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