This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
