If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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