When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
