so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
you never un-have a 4some
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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