if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
