I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
