last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
