You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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