Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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