my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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