Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
