dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Randomize
