I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
