just come out here and I will go home with you...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
