I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
