I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
