The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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