Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
