I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
