I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
