I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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