cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
