I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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